Another piece of deeply personal writing from my Twitter friend Justjayce.com
Monthly Archives: December 2012
Better to remain silent and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
I am in love. I have been for most of my adult life.
For the last 11 years my love has been for one person, and one person only. The love i speak of obviously refers to that which is shared between two unrelated people in a loving, sexual relationship.
Yet my lover, my partner the one to whom I want to stay with for the rest of my days sometimes feels that my love is not constant, not presently total, and perhaps too easily and thinly spread with others.
Obviously with the feelings I have for this person I am totally and strictly monogamous and would never ever stray from this view. Yet, perhaps with the best intentions I am occasionally questioned about whether I am just that, or whether my emotions could lay elsewhere.
So, where would this reasoning come from? Social media is the answer. I am a very shy person, lacking in confidence and with little going for me in either looks or personality. I do not light up a room with conversation of appearance. But, I am a nice person. I like to be nice to other people and I do care. I care even for strangers, or those that I know only through the flimsy connections of Twitter, Facebook, etc.
This side of me combined with the shyness means that social media can sometimes make me appear more outgoing, more conversational and perhaps more appealing that I do in the flesh. After all, if I mess up there is always the unfollow/delete/block button. Embarrassment can be fleeting, and arguments can cease immediately (if you so choose).
Therefore, through social media – initially with Instagram, Kik and Whatsapp – I was able to establish contacts, and even friendships with people I had never met, nor did I have any intention of meeting, not least because most of them were literally half a world away.
These connections, reciprocated by pleasantries and kind comments can sometimes easily be misunderstood for something other than what they are. As a result, and to ensure my position, and my unrelenting love I got rid of Instagram, Kik and Whatsapp, and removed all other social media from my phone other than Twitter and Google+ (Facebook I ditched months ago simply because it was pointless, and I feel still is).
This person, the one I love more than any other before or now will never read this, as being the shy person I am I have not told a soul about my blog. It is not meant to embarrass or intimidate, but simply for me to say publicly, there is only you, only ever was, and only ever will be.
… makes you stranger.
What does not kill you makes me stranger.
I haven’t written in earnest for years. And now after such a long time, preoccupied with other social and employment endeavours the need to do so has returned.
I have written for my own amusement for many years, but lacking the confidence to do anything with those words it has remained entirely a hobby.
Not that I feel what I write isn’t good, or that it is actually any good. The importance to me lies in the sense of enjoyment I get from doing so, even if it is not shared with anyone else.
This is a good time for me to write. Why? Well, one of my concerns is that in my hasty scribblings I may be committing plagiarism on books and/or films I have recently come into contact with.
This does not apply now.
I haven’t read anything for some time, nor have I seen anything inspiring in film to get my creative juices going.
In fact I have a greater confidence to revisit some themes touched on in earlier attempts as they remain for me, as far as I am aware, largely unknown or unexplored by other authors.
(Not that I class myself in any way an author)
Today I will start something new, but pulling on those previously used themes to see if I can go somewhere interesting with them.
At this moment in time life feels really good. Almost too good.
I am a worrier. Therefore when things are this good my first reaction is to wonder what I might have forgotten. The next reaction is to think something is coming, something to shatter the good feeling and put balance back in my life.
But recently, and I mean in the last week something has changed.
Through Twitter, and later through blogs I have come into contact with three remarkable people. While our contact has only been via the limited methods available by social media these three people have awakened me from a self righteous position of self loathing and worry to one where as with the vast majority of people in this country I should be grateful for what I have got.
The three in question, have all faced a monumental life changing personal crisis, and have found a way to not only live with it, but to help others facing a similar situation. Additionally they have raised awareness to a wider audience the situation that had for whatever reason has slipped from society’s mind.
The subject is HIV. As a gay man, in a loving relationship for the last 11 years HIV has played no part in my life. My ignorance was such that I can honestly say that I don’t think my boyfriend and I have talked about the subject once in those 11 years.
My awakening, courtesy of these three ordinary yet in my eyes remarkable men has given me a new perspective on life, and my attitudes to certain aspects of it.
If you want to see what I am talking about just visit their blogs: